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I recently had a sleep study done at the hospital…..

…..they’re still trying to figure out what’s wrong with me…..

…..(I could have told them—there’s just so much)…..

But at the outset…I’d like to point out…..

Sleep Studies have relatively nothing to do with actual sleep…..

They had me trussed up like a rib roast and glued together like a model airplane….

I had cords and distribution boxes strapped to my chest…along with multiple tubes stuck up both nostrils…..

…..the room was freezing…..

…..the T.V. was stuck on ESPN’s golf highlights…..

…..and I had a ceiling camera trained on me…all night long…..

…..a non-blinking…red beady eye staring at me…all night long…..

…..(apparently…I don’t sleep well under known surveillance)…..

The pillows were nice…..

But That Cement…..

…..(for affixing the electrodes)…..

…..in my hair…..

I was NOT a happy camper about that…..

Michael…(my technician)…said I could sleep on my side or my back…or whatever was comfortable…..

…..Comfortable(?)…..

…..HA!…..

I immediately garroted myself…and totally hobbled my feet…along with knocking off three wires…..

…..and that was all while trying to make it to the bathroom…..

I did ultimately fall asleep…..

Michael was so excited in the morning (somewhere around 5:30am) because he didn’t have to give me oxygen in the middle of the night…..

I was fairly thrilled about that too…I mean…the alternative could have been a real bummer…..

…..I really don’t think I have sleep apnea…but then…no one listens to me…..

I only snore when one of the cats sleeps across my face…(and I think that’s to be expected)…..

…..But That Cement!…..

It started out the prior evening as a gel…but in the frigidity of the subsequent night…..

…..it permanently seized on my head and in my hair…..

Michael un-snapped my electrode-wires in the morning…announced that the cement was water-soluble…handed me a face cloth…and left…..

…..Michael lied…..

I needed a bottle of acetone or a can of paint thinner to get that stuff dissolved and off my head…..

…..Michael really lied…..

I finally worked out the T.V. remote and found the news channel…right before “check-out” time…..

You know how nobody tells you anything after a test?…because you’re “just” the patient…..

Well…nobody has told me anything so far…..

…..so…me and my permanently moussed hair went home…to warm up…and sleep…..

…..(I’ve had enough 1970’s golf highlights to last a lifetime)…..

 

 

 

 

 

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